If We All Claim to Want Something “Real,” Then Why Are We All Still Single?
Let’s be honest: most of us have whispered (or screamed) into the void, “I just want something real.” Real love. Real commitment. Real emotional safety. And yet, in the vibrant, diverse world of lesbian and queer relationships among women who love women (WLW), many of us are still swiping, still ghosting, still hoping—and still single.
So, what’s really good?
We Want Real, But Are We Ready for Real?
“Real” sounds good. But real also means:
Consistency.
Communication, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Accountability and emotional maturity.
Vulnerability (which can feel terrifying when you’ve been hurt before).
Some of us claim to want depth, but haven’t unlearned our coping mechanisms—like pushing people away the moment things get too close, or idealizing someone quickly and then checking out when they reveal they’re human. In queer relationships, this often shows up fast and intensely: U-Hauls one minute, emotional withdrawal the next.
Trauma Meets Trauma
Many queer women carry personal and generational wounds—from homophobia, rejection, family estrangement, and previous toxic dynamics. When those traumas go unhealed, they meet in our relationships like a match and gasoline.
You might be dealing with someone who’s never seen a healthy relationship modeled. Or maybe you’ve been the one who shuts down, dissociates, or lashes out when intimacy feels too raw. Real love can’t flourish in survival mode.
Hyper-Visibility Meets Hyper-Secrecy
Being queer can mean navigating two extremes at once:
Feeling invisible in mainstream dating spaces.
Feeling hyper-exposed in your local queer scene where everyone knows your ex, your situationship, or your business.
The result? A lot of caution. A lot of image management. A lot of starting and stopping. Sometimes we’d rather self-sabotage than risk being known and judged.
Hookup Culture vs. Emotional Hunger
There’s nothing wrong with casual sex—unless you’re craving connection and using sex as a placeholder. Many WLW express a desire for genuine partnership, but get stuck in cycles of surface-level situationships that never quite grow roots.
Part of the issue is access. Our community is smaller, and the dating pool even smaller when you factor in compatibility, readiness, location, and shared values. But the deeper issue is this: Are we showing up with the same intention we expect from others?
Emotional Intelligence Isn’t a Given
A lot of us are incredibly self-aware in theory—we can name our attachment style, reference our inner child, even talk about therapy. But that doesn’t always translate into action.
Are we emotionally available? Do we give grace? Do we communicate boundaries instead of ghosting? Do we take accountability when we’re wrong—or do we shut down and block?
Wanting something real means doing real work—on ourselves and in connection with others.
Community Pressure and Performative Love
In queer spaces, love can sometimes feel like a performance. We post the soft aesthetic pics, the “love wins” captions, the deep stares across brunch tables. But behind the scenes, it might be emotionally unavailable partners, unresolved conflicts, or a relationship built on vibes alone.
The pressure to “look happy” can make us stay in cycles that aren’t actually nurturing us—and prevent us from showing up authentically from the beginning.
So… What Now?
If we want something real, we have to:
Be honest about our own readiness for healthy love.
Unpack our dating patterns—without blaming them all on “the apps” or “the scene.”
Normalize slow love. Sustainable love. Sometimes even boring love.
Prioritize healing over hiding.
Lead with emotional maturity—not just desire.
Being single isn't a failure—it can be a powerful space for self-reflection and recalibration. But if you’re always single while craving connection, it might be time to shift the question from “Where are all the good women?” to “How am I showing up when I meet one?”
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